Is it fair to your children if you, once in a while, set them up for failure? Can it be a time of learning for all involved, or is it just plain mean? I would suppose that those questions and ones like it are not that uncommon to parents around the world, but this is really the first time I have put a title to what I am doing. I mean that I certainly have done it before but this is the first time it has been calculated and had a title.
I was blessed with a boy-child seventeen years ago. We named him Johnnie. He was always a dramatic and head strong boy, but extremely loving and caring too. He has a soft heart and appreciation for beauty and creativity that, in turn fuels mine. In July of 2006 we discovered that John (he decided to be called John after his dad, also named John, died) had bipolar. I could easily take up the rest of this blog telling y'all about the long journey that we have been on for the last three years with finding the right medications and treatments, but that is for another blog post. Suffice it to say that I learned how to be my son's advocate and that I learned way too much about medicines and dosages and side effects.
John's symptoms manifest in, thankfully, very mild ways compared to some. He has problems focusing and staying on task and often goes into what we call "mission mode" where he can only see one point of view and will do anything to achieve that point. One of the most frustrating things is that emotionally, John is only about 13. Physically he is 6' 3" tall and 250 lbs. Chronologically he is 17, and sees what his fellow 17 year old boys are doing and wants the same. I haven't let him get a driver's license because of his lack of focus. We don't have the money for all of the electronic gadgets, or the extracurricular activities either so John was feeling rather left out. All that led to some wicked bad jealousy and complaints that I was holding him back. He wanted a job. I held him off for a while with a promise that once we moved back into town he could start applying at one of the seven restaurants within walking distance of our apartment.
Well, we moved into town just this last October, and he called my bluff. I had wanted him to wait a bit longer so I could arrange for him to get into a "job shadowing" program, where he would have a more understanding boss as well as a facilitator there to help him learn the ropes. But John didn't want to wait. (Was I ever that impatient?) He kept pestering me to let him work, so even though I knew he was going to fail, I let him go. He found a local sushi restaurant that had a "help wanted" sign in the window and applied. I thought this might work out because John wants to be a chef and is fascinated with sushi and has even made his own at home. But it didn't. John was fired last night. Part of the reason was because John just couldn't focus and was not able to perform the exacting and precise tasks that his boss wanted. Admittedly his boss is one of those that wants everything exactly the same every time no matter what, but John was just not able to do what was expected. I don't know if he ever will be able to work for an exacting person like that. All I know is that he had lots of opportunities at his job to learn and grow but, it is like I knew it was going to be… he couldn't do it. I let him try and hopefully he learned. It was worth it.
I was blessed with a boy-child seventeen years ago. We named him Johnnie. He was always a dramatic and head strong boy, but extremely loving and caring too. He has a soft heart and appreciation for beauty and creativity that, in turn fuels mine. In July of 2006 we discovered that John (he decided to be called John after his dad, also named John, died) had bipolar. I could easily take up the rest of this blog telling y'all about the long journey that we have been on for the last three years with finding the right medications and treatments, but that is for another blog post. Suffice it to say that I learned how to be my son's advocate and that I learned way too much about medicines and dosages and side effects.
John's symptoms manifest in, thankfully, very mild ways compared to some. He has problems focusing and staying on task and often goes into what we call "mission mode" where he can only see one point of view and will do anything to achieve that point. One of the most frustrating things is that emotionally, John is only about 13. Physically he is 6' 3" tall and 250 lbs. Chronologically he is 17, and sees what his fellow 17 year old boys are doing and wants the same. I haven't let him get a driver's license because of his lack of focus. We don't have the money for all of the electronic gadgets, or the extracurricular activities either so John was feeling rather left out. All that led to some wicked bad jealousy and complaints that I was holding him back. He wanted a job. I held him off for a while with a promise that once we moved back into town he could start applying at one of the seven restaurants within walking distance of our apartment.
Well, we moved into town just this last October, and he called my bluff. I had wanted him to wait a bit longer so I could arrange for him to get into a "job shadowing" program, where he would have a more understanding boss as well as a facilitator there to help him learn the ropes. But John didn't want to wait. (Was I ever that impatient?) He kept pestering me to let him work, so even though I knew he was going to fail, I let him go. He found a local sushi restaurant that had a "help wanted" sign in the window and applied. I thought this might work out because John wants to be a chef and is fascinated with sushi and has even made his own at home. But it didn't. John was fired last night. Part of the reason was because John just couldn't focus and was not able to perform the exacting and precise tasks that his boss wanted. Admittedly his boss is one of those that wants everything exactly the same every time no matter what, but John was just not able to do what was expected. I don't know if he ever will be able to work for an exacting person like that. All I know is that he had lots of opportunities at his job to learn and grow but, it is like I knew it was going to be… he couldn't do it. I let him try and hopefully he learned. It was worth it.
Interesting writing, most people really don't know the full ramification of being involved with someone that is bi polar I was married to a bi polar for seven Long, LONG years. Your right you would of put all 1500 hundred words on this artical there is alot about them. But medicine controls alot of their emotions to be able to socialize and maybe get a job and sustain a somewhat normal life. Excellent writing
ReplyDeleteI don't think you set him up for failure. You let him try something that YOU knew was destined to be a failure, BUT he didn't believe you. I would call this natural consequences.
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